Category: Relationships

a woman and her boyfriend cuddling in a blanket If you are in need of some advice on how to get your boyfriend’s trust back after it has been compromised, look no further. Below are tried, tested, and true tips to work out this issue. Keep in mind that trust is one of the most delicate mental components for many people, so no matter what, this will take time. If it’s important enough to you to dedicate the time and necessary emotional support, read on.

First, you must identify what happened to break or otherwise compromise your boyfriend’s trust. Take some time to really understand if his lack of trust in you is validated or not. Did you do something to warrant a lack of trust or is he a naturally suspicious and untrusting person due to his own past experiences?

If you did something to compromise his trust, read on to part A.
If you didn't necessarily do anything to break his trust, but he is just a suspicious and doubtful person, read on to part B.

Getting Your Boyfriend's Trust Back

Part A

If you did something to break your boyfriend’s trust, it is important to identify WHAT it is and WHY you did it. Was it a white lie you came up with knowing the truth might hurt him? Was it something you flat-out lied about knowing it would hurt him? Did you cheat or give him a valid reason to believe you did? If you’ve read this far, you likely did something out of a selfish motive that caused you to trump your consideration for him and his feelings. If this is the case, read on to number 2.

See also: Getting him back after a breakup

Part B

If you did not do or say anything particular that warrants him questioning you, try to understand what is causing him to feel this way and whether it truly has anything to do with you or not. If you feel that your boyfriend’s lack of trust in you may not actually have to do with you or something YOU have done or said, you need to stop right now and evaluate the situation you are in. Remember that while it is always beneficial to understand where someone is coming from and to try to help them, you should NOT be doing any of that at your own expense. It is never fair for anyone (you included) to project your own insecurities and mistrust from somebody else onto someone who has not compromised your trust himself. If this is your situation, you have to decide if this is something you are ready to devote time and energy into because it will take a lot of it. If you want to try to work this out, remember that trust is a very hard element to build especially when someone comes into a relationship lacking trust. The steps below are not foolproof in this situation, but they will help.

See also: The no contact rule

Part 2

Understand that if you care for your boyfriend, his feelings, and his needs, and if you want to try to earn his trust back, it is going to take time and effort on your end. The first step you can take in this process is to…

Validate

The most important thing you can do for someone when their emotions are on the line is to validate how they feel and let them know that you understand their perspective. Chances are that they have a slew of emotions they are experiencing and that they feel vulnerable. The best starting point (after accepting that you have made a mistake) is to validate how he feels.

Listen

Allow your boyfriend to share his thoughts and emotions. He will naturally have doubts and he will likely express them. If he doesn’t express them, encourage him to. It may be difficult to hear some of his feelings, but allowing him to open up to you will show him that you care, that you are willing and wanting to improve this, and it will also help to rebuild trust as he confides in you, even if it is ABOUT you.

Apologize

Once you validate and listen, ask him for the opportunity to: explain yourself, apologize, or (highly recommended) BOTH. I’m sure you didn’t have completely ill intentions with whatever it is that you did. If that was the case, you wouldn’t be reading this because you wouldn’t really care about fixing it. Try to understand why you did what you did and try to explain your thought process to him. BE CAREFUL that you do not attempt to JUSTIFY it because that will contradict any validating you’ve done. But, explaining your thought process can be helpful for him to understand your perspective. Once you’ve done this, I highly recommend apologizing. This is not just to say “I’m sorry” but to genuinely apologize for the hurt, confusion, and complications you’ve caused. Say it, show it, and repeat. Don’t overdo it because then you will look like you’re seeking pity. But, be genuine and vocal enough so he knows that you’re remorseful and more importantly, willing to learn from your mistakes.

Set some new guidelines

If you both feel that the relationship is salvageable, have a conversation about what each of your expectations is. Sometimes it’s difficult to understand that something that may not upset you will upset someone else and vice versa. Work on identifying each other’s boundaries and communicate openly and often about them and where you each stand. Check in with each other to make sure that you’re honoring and respecting that person and the boundaries they have. This will help you both to be able to look at this bump in your relationship as a learning opportunity for you both so that you can set expectations for each other moving forward.

Be patient

It will take him time to get over, as it would for you. Be understanding of his doubts and questions for a bit. However, do not allow him to beat you down over it. Give him the validation, listening, support, apologies, and openness he needs, but do not sacrifice your own well being in order to do so. Yes, you made a mistake. Learn from it, grow from it, and eventually, both of you will have to make a choice to move on from it. Give it some time, but not TOO much. We are all human here, there’s no need to make us pay for mistakes forever.

Further reading: Ex boyfriend issues - click here