Relationships are complex. When we become comfortable with each other, we tend to show parts of ourselves that are not so great. Often times when we continue to show more of our not-so-great sides and less of our amazing qualities that our significant other first fell for, it leads to the demise of the relationship. This article aims to help you understand: what you may have done wrong, what you can try to do to fix it, and when you need to learn to let go.
Getting Him Back If He Did The Breaking Up
What you may have done wrong
The first step in trying to make a failed relationship work again is to understand that you may have contributed to its demise. In fact, there’s a really good chance you did. It takes two to tango but assuming that you are in a position of trying to get your ex back (hence the reason for reading this article), the likelihood of you being at fault is pretty high.
We are all human and we make mistakes. When we are in a committed relationship, we share our thoughts, dreams, aspirations, fears, and insecurities. Let’s talk about the latter two: fear and insecurity.
Fear and insecurity go hand in hand because often times our fears in a relationship are direct links to our insecurities as individuals. This is normal. Everyone experiences some degree of this. But, what leads to the decline of the relationship is allowing OUR fears and OUR insecurities to get in the way of the relationship itself.
See also: Getting him to want you back as well
For example, you have a fear of losing someone. You also are insecure about some aspect of your body. You have a fear of being cheated on. You were insecure when you were around other women with your ex-boyfriend. You have a fear of being lied to. You are insecure about things your boyfriend tells you. These are all common fears and insecurities that go hand-in-hand. It is NORMAL to feel this way and it is OKAY to feel this way. What is not acceptable is to: place blame, accuse or suspect if there is nothing that your ex-boyfriend has done to deserve those responses.
I share these concepts specifically because of work I have done with women individually as well as couples. I find that when women are in a position of trying to get their ex-boyfriends back, many of the issues of why the relationship ended boil down to these exact concepts: fear and insecurity.
It’s simple: when you allow fear and insecurity to take over, it will alter how you react to others and you will push people away.
Related article: Get him back with the no contact rule
What you can do to try to fix it
First, you must allow your ex-boyfriend to have some space. Chasing after him will only push him away further. Let him know you care, but that you respect his decision.
Then, take time to truly go within. Look deep inside yourself to understand what it is that you may have done to push him away. Were you accusatory? Did you hold him back from doing things he wanted to do? Were you too demanding? Were you argumentative? Did you overcomplicate things?
Ask yourself these questions and give yourself some real, raw feedback. Try to come to terms with the reason why you acted the way you did and keep in mind that it was likely because of fear, and specifically – the fear of losing him.
Once you understand how you contributed, actively seek ways to fix it. Maybe you need to put conscious thought into making some changes. Maybe you need to invest in some self-help books or activities that will help to calm your mind. Maybe you should consider speaking to a therapist about the issues that are deeply rooted within you. Once you take the time for yourself to understand what you may have done wrong, it is important to look into what you can do to fix it.
See also: Can you get your ex to love you again?
When you need to let go
On the contrary, there is also a great possibility that you did nothing (or at least a minimal amount) wrong. There is a great possibility that your ex-boyfriend did not appreciate you for the person that you are.
If this is truly the case, it is important to still to take time, reflect on where it went wrong, understand what you can do to improve yourself, and most importantly: to understand that you need to walk away.
There is an expression that “time heals all wounds.” When a relationship ends, time is the best medicine. Experiencing raw emotions can be incredibly difficult and because they feel so uncomfortable, you want to make yourself feel better as quickly as possible. Getting back with an ex may look like a quick remedy to your pain, but the reality is that you are only prolonging it.
When you find yourself at the end of a relationship with someone who did not value the person that you are, although the natural response is to feel remorse, my advice to you is to CELEBRATE! There is no greater service someone can do for you than to let you go when they did not find gratitude for your existence in their life.
If you read through the beginning of this article and felt that you could not wholeheartedly and vulnerably accept that your actions have significantly harmed your relationship, then you must accept that there is something else that did not work in this relationship – even if it was that your ex boyfriend was not emotionally available, or for any other reason on his end. If someone is willing to leave you for reasons unbeknownst to you, do yourself the favor of letting them leave. If what you are reading is difficult information to digest, the answer to your question of “how do I get him back?” is simple: you don’t.