Here’s the scenario: You and your boyfriend just got into a huge fight. You have a range of emotions. You’re angry, upset, offended, disappointed, worried and perhaps even a little scared of losing him forever. You aren’t sure what to do to try to resolve it. Look no further – I am here to help. As a relationship guru having been in long-term relationships while also working with many couples over the years, I’ve come to understand the importance of the key elements below that I would like to share. Here we go…
Getting Him Back After A Fight
Step 1: Allow for some space and time for you both
If possible, try to end the argument once you realize that you aren’t making any progress in your back and forth AND before you start saying hurtful things to each other. Whenever you can, end it and walk away. Give yourselves the time to cool off. We are all guilty of saying things out of emotion, but this is when we have the ability to be the most damaging to the individual and the relationship so do yourself a favor and cut it off before you both get carried away. Once you remove yourself, take time to calm down, think about what started the argument in the first place, what the real root of the problem is, how you got to this point, and try to understand where your boyfriend is coming from.
Step 2: Apologize
Once you have had the chance to truly calm down (and I’m talking hours, maybe even a few days if necessary), get a good handle on how you think your boyfriend must feel to understand his side of the story. When you’re ready, if it’s appropriate, apologize. Or, if he should be the one apologizing (and if he genuinely should apologize) this is the time where you can ask for him to understand your point of view, what he did to upset/offend you, and allow him the opportunity to apologize to you. Keep in mind that apologies are more than just about saying, “I’m sorry”. The importance of an apology, when it’s genuine, is to hear that the other person is regretful for their words and actions, understands and validates how you feel and that they are conscious of the need to put in the effort forth to show that.
Step 3: Communicate
Together, work on understanding what the actual problem is. So often, our fights are masked by what we think the problem is and they become so convoluted that we forget or misunderstand what the real problem is. Work TOGETHER to talk about this. Ask your boyfriend what he sees as the actual issue. Ask him what it is that he is most upset about in all of the complicated back and forth. Give yourself the opportunity to express the same. To simplify this, ask yourself (and him) for the top three things that are bothering you most from the argument you just had. Share and listen to each other.
See also: Making him want you back
Step 4: Set goals
Understand what you did in this fight that upset him the most. Find out if you crossed any kind of boundary of his. Understand what he needs from you moving forward to make the situation better. Allow all of the same in reverse. Once you communicate your expectations, needs, and challenges, it is imperative that the two of you adjust the way you communicate so that you can work together to move forward in a more positive way.
Related article: Texting to get your boyfriend back
Step 5: Understand and establish that you are on the same team
You both chose to be in this relationship. It’s like being in elementary school and choosing to have your best friend on the same team during a basketball game at recess. You WANTED to be together and you’ve been successful at that so far. You’ve had an argument, you’ve spent time apart to cool off, you’ve discussed the process of what got you there and you can now identify how to move on from it. Now, talk about the fact that you are on this “team” together. You must always remember this because despite the arguments, the disagreements, and the hurt, you have to remember that you are in this together so agree to act that way.
See also: What to do if he broke up with you
Step 6: Laugh about it
After some time has past and you’ve both cooled off, talked about it, and moved on, bring it up again and laugh about it. This can often help to alleviate any lingering discomfort and also help to provide some closure to the situation.
Step 7: Remind yourself that life is short
It’s natural for arguments to happen and for emotions to get out of hand. Fighting is a normal part of any relationship. But, what’s most important is that you remember to respect each other and the relationship while you have it. Life is short and we can lose relationships and people unexpectedly. While this sounds morbid and depressing, it is an important reminder to keep in mind so that you do not become too comfortable and take advantage of a person or relationship. Remember to try to move on from things quickly and enjoy the beauty of life, love, and relationships right now while they are at your fingertips.